We can see the scene replayed over and over in our heads. The location may be different but the atmosphere is similar. A dimly lit but stylish bar attracts the pretty, the rich, the kind and the hard-hearted. With such an eclectic mix, we’d assume there’d be more love connections. The Long Island Sound glistens outside the windows, mega-mansions with deep green lawns light the coastline across the harbor, and exquisite yachts are tied neatly to the dock while their posh owners eat at the 5-star restaurant inside.

People drink high-end cocktails around the bar, talking, smiling and nodding. The promise of fun and new connections beckon people from miles around, dressed in their best to socialize with friend and foe alike.

But something is off. Despite the toned bodies, personal fortunes, perfume and deep romantic longing, there is an incongruence that obliterates most chances for a real love connection.

It turns out, finding true love is not a seduction game. It may be the complete opposite. Real love demands authenticity, vulnerability and time; those things are not high on the priority list at the “in” bars and restaurants.

There are things we can do to improve our chances of making a meaningful connection on the singles scene but it requires a radical change of conditioning and a large dose of courage. Real intimacy is not for the faint of heart.

Attracting a Happy, Healthy and Enduring Relationship

1. Upshift the story and patterns around love.

What seems to always happen in our attempts to create a romantic bond? What is the story we tell ourselves or others? Try to unearth the subconscious stories and reckon with them. It is vitally important to realize that we are a victim only of our own false beliefs about ourselves and others.

Examples include:
“Men I date all turn out to be narcissists.”
“Women are only after my money.”
“Nice guys are boring.”
“Men don’t want strong women.”

Remember that the law of attraction will keep showing what we already believe. That means we are the ones responsible for the outcome of our relationships. Be positive and loving and watch life mirror that love back at us.

 

2. Set your intentions to attract real love, not just the illusion of love.

Now that we are conscious of thoughts, stories and patterns that don’t serve us, become determined to see the possibility of a healthy, safe and loving romance.

Now reinforce the notion that we will do whatever it takes to accomplish this goal of sharing our lives with our equal out of a newly-found respect for ourselves. Think or write about why we want a committed partner, what we want to feel and share with another. Visualize, hear and feel it.

 

3. Prepare for love.

We’ve set the intention; now comes the internal and external housecleaning.

We’re thinking now about the type of person we’d like to attract into our lives. Who do we need to become to attract and maintain the commitment we want? The answer is we need to live our lives as our highest and best selves.

For example, are we carrying old resentments toward past lovers, friends or parents? These feelings will wreak havoc on relationships until we resolve them. Now is the time to identify and heal old wounds.

Are we fit and healthy? Start to take care of the body. Set goals to make changes if drinking too much, overeating or under-exercising are issues.

Is the home a bachelor pad, or is it warm and inviting? Start living “as if” our beloved will show up soon. Throw out the reminders of past relationships and begin to reflect the sophistication of the “new you.”

 

4. Live self-love.

Self-love is respecting our needs and vulnerabilities. This means learning to value parts of ourselves that we or others might feel are weaknesses. Our lives will improve exponentially when we take full responsibility for it. This means, in most cases, making radical changes.

Stay alert for what voice we listen to inside. Is it the childish, fearful side of our personalities or the wise adult?

Trust ourselves to handle life as it comes with no drama. We are not a victim. We know exactly what to do but have frequently chosen from a weaker version of our personalities.

Now we are developing full-time self-respect. We consider our needs and set clear boundaries. This increases self-respect and, in turn, gains respect from others.

 

5. Partner with life.

“Go be happy.” It sounds simple but requires an understanding not everyone has developed. Life is aligned to deliver to us our deepest desires. We all have a guidance system inside us that, like the navigation system in our car, directs us to become who we next want to be. Practice relying on that intuition.

Life mirrors back who we are inside. Act irresponsibly, things go wrong. Give love, and we get love. Clean life, clean love. Practice trusting life. Partner with it. Give and expect higher love.

 

Noreen Ehrlich is a love and relationship coach in Greenwich with expertise in how to attract true love using the proven Calling in “the One” approach. Learn more at NoreenEhrlich.com.